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Where Truth Lies

The Illusions

The King of the Castle

In the abuser's ideal world, he is "the king of his castle." As the king of his castle, the abuser is convinced of his entitlement to his ideal world. Idealists set up structures and rules to achieve their ideals; they create an ideology. The creation of this ideology is subtle and progressive; his focus is self-centered, self-serving and relentless.

Ideologies have their own:

• beliefs
• language
• enforcement system

In the abuser's mind, his perceived entitlement, by extension, nullifies our rights and freedoms. He expects us to defer to his opinions and decisions and to be "seen and not heard" or we will pay the consequences. We are to meet his emotional, psychological and physical needs. His sense of entitlement is his justification for his injustice to us.

Our compliant nature and low self-esteem attract the abuser.

We have spent most of our lives hiding in fear. Our fears stem from our illusions of insufficiency and unworthiness. We believe we are less competent, desirable, and intelligent than others. This sense of unworthiness leads to fears of rejection and abandonment.

To protect ourselves from this we:

• Suppress our needs in order to avoid the pain of having them denied - "I don't need acknowledgment, I don't need consideration;"
• Recognize the needs and desires of others and do what we can to satisfy those;
• Monitor and adjust our behavior and thoughts to match theirs until our own dreams, desires, opinions and identity disappear

We have an illusion of control when we deny ourselves and decide to meet the needs of others - the choice is then ours - whereas we feel helpless and vulnerable if we rely on others to meet our needs since the choice becomes theirs.

The illusions the abuser perpetuates, reinforce our illusions of ourselves:

The abusers sees himself as powerful, superior, intelligent, capable, important, respected and invincible while he convinces us that we are weak, inferior, stupid, incompetent, insignificant, unacceptable and invisible.

We may feel safer believing the lies and embracing our unworthiness because we fear what will be required if we change our mindset. The lies serve some purpose for us and we need to question the costs of letting them go and weigh them against the costs of believing in them.

Dissolving the Illusions

The cost of believing the lie:

• Have we given up the pursuit of higher education?
• Have we given up our spiritual beliefs thinking we are unworthy?
• Have we given up looking after our appearance and health?
• Have we given up associating with other people?
• Have we given up our right to individual self-fulfillment?
• Have we given up the right to be safe from harm?

Question the abuser's illusions: (to protect yourself do this within yourself, as it may be dangerous to directly challenge his sense of entitlement).

• Are his expectations of us stemming from his love for us or himself?
• Are our efforts at transforming ourselves into his dream, destroying or preventing us from discovering our own dream?
• Is his concept (from the "Abused" list above) of who we are now, an illusion?
• If this illusion were true would our partner still want us around (does he himself believe what he is trying to convince us to believe)?
• Would he have chosen us in the first place (if he believed we were worthless)?
• What does this say about him (does he have another agenda for psychological abuse)?
• Is it to his advantage to have you believe the lie rather than the truth?

Just because he believes or says, something does not make it true. Lies are still lies even if they are believed. However, if we start with one of the lies in his list (or ours) and question it in various ways, we can begin to change our perception of it.

Questioning our illusions:

• Do others believe this (from the abused list above) about me?
• Did I see myself this way before I met my partner?
• Are there inconsistencies with this view? (am I capable in some areas, do some people like me)
• Did this lie start in childhood?
• How do the lies affect my behavior, my choices?

The Revelation

Lies

• Chain you in bondage
• Bring darkness decay and despair
• Bring discord
• Bring fear

Truth

• Sets you free
• Brings light life and love
• Brings peace
• Brings trust

Lies are behind our low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence. Truth brings the enlightenment needed to lift the veil and empower us to walk out of the mist and into the sunshine of freedom.

For more information about understanding and leaving domestic violence, watch for the soon-to-be-published book - Follow the Light Leave the Tyranny: You Can Escape Domestic Abuse by Jalena Home. To contact Jalena Home please email jalenahome@gmail.com

Jalena Home was a victim of domestic violence for over thirty years and battled through an eating disorder, attempted suicide, a social phobia and alcoholism before finally leaving. She now does public speaking endeavoring to help educate the public and empower the abused to escape.